Should You Report Your Stolen Credit Card?

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Family Finances

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"

The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here either."

Is Gambling Bad?

A bum asks a man for $2.

The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"

The bum said, "No."

The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"

The bum said, "No."

Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

Parking Your Rolls-Royce

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. The loan officer checked the records and told him, "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest." The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away.

"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow? The man smiled. "Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

TOP TEN LIES FINANCE PROFESSORS TELL THEIR STUDENTS

1.Don't sweat that poor grade on your midterm. I am certain that you'll do much better on the final.
2.Come by my office any time. I'm always available.
3.You can make a killing as a stockbroker.
4.Don't worry if you can't remember that formula. The main thing on the test is that you grasp the intuition.
5.It doesn't matter what I think; write what you believe.
6.If you come to all the lectures, you'll do just fine.
7.My other section is much better prepared than you guys.
8.What's your problem? Any moron can understand bond pricing models.
9.Don't worry about that final grade. No one will care anyway.
10.Of course, I make a lot investing. I only teach so I can help young people.

Source: http://www.cob.ohio-state.edu/~fin/jo urnal/lies.htm

Market Efficiency & Finance Professor
A finance professor is walking on campus with his Research Assistant

Research Assistant: Professor, I see a $20 bill on the sidewalk. Should I pick it up?

Professor: No, of course not, if it were really there, it would already have been picked up.

Q: How many investors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None - the market has already discounted the change.

The Economist

Q: What's the difference between a finance major and an economics major?

A: Opportunity Cost

We have 2 classes of forecasters: Those who don't know . . . and those who don't know they don't know.

- John Kenneth Galbraith

Q: What is the difference between a loan and a man?

A: A loan matures.

Silicon Valley Pet Store

A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking to buy a monkey. The store owner points toward three identical monkeys in politically correct, animal friendly natural mini-habitats.

"The one on the left costs $500," says the store owner.

"Why so much?" asks the customer.

"Because it can program in C," answers the store owner.

The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, "That one costs $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology." The startled man then asks about the third monkey.

"That one costs $3000," answers the store owner.

"3000 dollars!!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?"

To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a consultant."

THE MEN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN REALLY WANTS WHEN SHE SAYS...

"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = "I want a new house."

"Do what you want" = "You'll pay for this later."

Do you love me?" = "I'm going to ask for something expensive."

 

THE WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN REALLY WANTS...

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = "$50 and it doesn't look that

much different!"

COMMENTS ON BUSINESS

Joseph Guillotine - I can give your company a head start on the competition.

Hamlet - My position was eliminated in a hostile takeover.

Lucretia Borgia - My greatest accomplishment? After I took over the department, our competition just seemed to drop out of sight one by one.

Pandora - I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things.

Genghis Khan - My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries.

Macbeth - Would I go after my boss's job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?

Unsecured vs. Secured Loan

One day, at the bank, this long time depositor came in and asked to see a bank officer. " I would like to know the difference between a unsecured and a secured loan."

The bank officer promptly pulls out a detailed binder listing rates and loan terms. " On an unsecured loan, we are lending money based on your credit history and amount of funds deposited. The current rate is 10% per annum."

"For a secured loan, we would have to hold some tangible asset as collateral. Our current rate is 8% per annum."

So the client thinks about a few minutes, and say " I would like to have a $10,000 secured loan. I will need the funds for only 6 months"

The bank officer then starts filling out the necessary chattel mortgage papers. "What type of asset are you pledging? Your apartment building, your home, or your CD's"

The clients replies, " I have a brand new 1996 Ferrari that is completely paid for. The pink slip is in my wallet. In fact, I will give you the pink slip and all the keys."

The bank officer quickly inspects the car and signs all the promissory note agreement with the client. He then accepts the car and pink slip.

Exactly six months later, the client comes back. He writes out a check for $10,800 which includes principal and six months interest.

The Bank Officer looks at the client and asks, ' I check with our records, and you have a long time customer for ten years. In fact you have over $200,000 in various CD's and Money Market funds. You did not have to borrow money from us"

The customer replied, " I went to Asia for a six month vacation. You were the cheapest way to store my car"

Larry Chin

How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

1. MY GOD!! IT BURNT OUT!! SELL ALL MY G.E. STOCK NOW!!!!!
2. Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
3. 24 1/8, but that's down 3/8 from yesterday.

How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?

1. Four - One to hold the bulb and three to try to remember the combination. (left a bit, right a bit, left a bit...)
2. None, bankers don't change light bulbs.
3. Ever notice that the electronic bank signs are full of burned-out light bulbs?

Definition of Kiss: Professors of different subjects define the same word different ways.:

Prof. of Finance: kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Algebra: kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Economics: kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Prof. of Chemistry: kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Dentistry: kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of English: kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all the genders!
Prof. of Geometry: kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physiology: kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Physics: kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Philosophy: kiss is the persecution for the child,ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of Statistics: kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36
Prof. of Zoology: kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.

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